Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
