I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Houston, we have a blender
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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