Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
