My hair reeks of homosexuality.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I checked into jail on foursquare
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
