I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
