omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
