And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
