I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
