Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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