it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How does one acquire holy water?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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