if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
