Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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