You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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