the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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