see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
