he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
