You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
my liver is dry heaving
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
