I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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