I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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