he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
