i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
