you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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