I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
