Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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