So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So apparently I’m into choking now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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