I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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