My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
