I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
