I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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