i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
