And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
