i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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