I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
