I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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