no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
