Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
