remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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