Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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