Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
