I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
