made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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