Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
