Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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