Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
