She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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