You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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