I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
