fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
