i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm getting married
To pizza
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
