i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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