Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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