my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
