Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
