My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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