I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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