I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
