I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
