I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
