If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
