Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
